TWO TRUTHS, ONE LI-f-E

12th Dec. 2020
Truth is…

I’ve always been a scaredy little sheltered cat...

I have really big dreams but have no idea how to achieve them, however, I have a very strong feeling that I will.

I can be very lazy…

I’m pretty sure who I am but I doubt myself a whole lot.

I am a fragile creative. Criticism kills my confidence.. so I don’t share a lot.

I’ve never won a prize for anything. Ok, I have but not for the ones I would really like. I pretend I don’t care but I think it’ll be nice.

I like to think I’m an angel in disguise..so you see, a prize will defeat that purpose.

I like keeping secrets..not necessarily dark ones. Secrets make me feel powerful and in control. I’ve always kept one about friends, siblings, and parents but mostly myself. Especially the ones I know that would raise hell on earth if they were as much as whispered to the right/wrong person. Essentially, keeping people’s secrets is a huge responsibility. I feel honoured to be trusted enough to share something with me that you can’t tell anyone else.

I’d like my work to be recognised but not myself.

I think I’m afraid to be seen because I’m not sure what you would see or which part of me might be judged without full context. That’s part of why I’m afraid of success.

I want to know everything about everything. I want to know every story and experience things that expand my consciousness of myself and the world around me. I enjoy heightened experiences like things that frighten me in the moment. I’m an adrenaline junkie for sure!

I want to fly a plane one day and go skydiving.

I’m not afraid of death as long as it’s not painful.

I might be lowkey suicidal. I say low-key because I don’t think about taking my own life. Just that if it was to happen naturally or by accident, I won’t be mad at it. Life is tough but I’ve left a lot of love and intention to give even more love behind. I suppress a lot of my darkness to leave room for light but that fight in itself is exhausting. There are a lot of things I would like to create and establish before I go away but if I don’t get to, then I suppose it wasn’t meant to be. This is why I’m not selfish with my ideas anymore. I will tell anyone who’s willing to listen what I’d like to exist. Maybe it turns into a collaboration or maybe they’re inspired and it morphs into something else that creates value. Whichever way it goes, I no longer feel the heavy weight of all these things I must achieve before my time is up. I’m solely responsible for putting out all these ideas and plastering my name on them.

I considered hurting myself twice, a long time ago. I was in a really dark place and I thought it will help me achieve three things; 1. end the pain and neglect, 2. get them to pay attention, 3. make them feel bad for not listening. (this part was added 2 years after the original post)

I love people, good people. Talking to brave, innovative, self-aware and creative people give me life.

I really enjoy my own thoughts, I think I’m hilarious.

I enjoy being in the shadows doing good and bad..mostly good.

I enjoy the sneaky side eye.. the twinkle in the eye a person gets when they want to know who just saved their life. The urge to say “It was me!” but never actually giving myself up.

I like to have special names for people and code words only me and the other person know about.

I fell in love twice in my life and no one will ever know who they were.

I have many skills. I am very good at a lot of things and I know a lot about a lot of things but I am yet to find out what I am genius at.

I was very average at school..sometimes below average. That caused a lot of shame and insecurity about my intelligence throughout my life.

I’m 28 yrs old and married.

Letting go of something or someone I love is easier for me than for most people. It’s still painful but I’ve had a lot of practice with this specific type of pain since childhood.

I refuse to admit that I’m a smoker and I probably never will because I don’t smoke as often as admitted smokers do but when I make up my mind to quit, I never have. I solely vape now so technically I’m vaping, not smoking. Right?

I like compliments but I pretend it’s not a big deal. I’m now trying to say “thank you” before I say “Omg, you too!” to change the subject.

I seem to make good progress with anything when I’m accountable to someone other than myself..

Sometimes, I think I’m a really bad person so I do a lot of good things to make up for it..

It’s very hard for me to do the “right” thing when I don’t want to but I succeed most of the time. It doesn’t make me feel good afterwards. I’m not proud of myself when I do a good thing because I know deep down what I really wanted to do and it's usually terrible.

I’m someone else on the inside but I express who I think I should be or at least what I’d want to see if I was a stranger walking by.

I am afraid if I let myself go, I won’t like who I would express. All I know is.. they’re not a good person. They’re not kind, patient, loving, responsible, humble or empathetic. They’re mostly cruel and carefree.

I’m a domain collector (hoarder). I own up to 40 of them worth well over 5 figures. I’m good at generating great business names and solutions so when I think of one, I buy the domain. Click here to check them out.

I forget my words and actions most of the time, especially good ones but I almost always remember my thoughts so every other day feels like a Deja Vu because I think of a hundred different scenarios.

I am afraid I’m not me and I’ll probably die not truly being myself.

*scratch that*

I’m not afraid, I’m curious. I’d like to watch a movie of how my life would turn out if I acted out every thought, every urge, every desire..to see if I ended up in jail, a crack house or won many awards and became famous for being the genius who didn’t give a fuck about how other people felt…then take notes and come back to my reality.

I kinda like the good person I pretend to be most times but it gets exhausting especially when I’m taken for granted or when it's not appreciated or when it bites me in the ass. I’m never truly happy when I choose to do the right thing until the other person reacts positively to it. That makes it easier to reconcile the transition from thought to action.

I dream A LOT

I think A LOT

I imagine A LOT

I hope no one reads any of this but if you do, keep it between us.

Originally published at https://gap-toothradio.medium.com on September 10, 2022.