Poison Bubble
So it’s true, I seem to write only when I’m pissed off. But I want to change that. I’m happy right now.
Maybe because when I’m hurt/pissed off I feel trapped in my own mind…
How do I mean?
I have a way of creating a bubble around my pain so that I can carry on with life as usual. So I don’t wallow, the bubble is made up of sayings and affirmations mostly that prevent the bubble from bursting and spilling its poison into the organized chaos that is my mind. Sayings like “you’re better than this” “You are love” “what you are feeling right now, won’t last forever” Other times I auto default to “I don’t care x10000”
It’s funny when I notice things about my subconscious. By default when I’m upset is “I don’t care… I don’t give a fuck” and I clearly don’t mean it otherwise I wouldn’t be thinking about it so much, would I?
In my past life, whenever I had a fight or was hurt by anyone I cared about, I would say this to myself over and over again until indeed I DIDN’T CARE ANYMORE. I’d completely forget about the incident. Like it never happened. I probably did this to avoid confrontation and wallowing in negative energy instead of having all the fun vibes that I was used to having with the person. Over time, we would soon part for one reason or the other. The first 2 or 3 incidents I could brush off easily. Thereafter, it’s a problem. I can be tolerant or maybe too tolerant of most things and leads to people taking advantage.
In my more conscious life, I’ve realized that this routine caused me to forget the pain quicker than any chance I’d give myself to forgive the person who caused that pain. For years, it worked for me! It allowed me to focus on my mission. Everyone thought I was cool. I was one not to fuss about much. But the truth is… it piled up! I didn’t realize it was piling up either because I’m quick to walk away and shut down all emotions so that I don’t get affected by the same person twice. Put my emotions aside and focus on business. This was my nature since I can remember.
I only became aware of this ‘pile-up’ when I fell in love.
Unable to just walk away from the love of my life, I felt stuck in syne waves that were mood swings. In a flash, I’d remember something my husband did that pissed me off a week ago but felt it too late to bring it up because I want to enjoy the good vibe we’re in right now. I’d be stuck in this bubble pep-talking myself out of it for the next 10mns. The whole time he’s asking me what’s going on with me. “What just happened?” “Have I done something wrong?” and I’m trying to convince him that I’m good. Because really… I am actually good. I’m over it. I’ve been good the past week. I’ll get over it. I’m just waiting for this bubble to float away like it usually does.
